Brian Scott Ostrom cups his hand over his mouth as he tries to calm a panic attack at his apartment in Boulder, Colo. Scott says it's been hard to find meaning in his life since 2007, when he was honorably discharged from the United States Marine Corps. (Craig F. Walker, The Denver Post - December 29, 2011)
Scott counts the stitches in his wrist a few days after he attempted suicide. Scott said many times he should have died overseas, and during a fight with his girlfriend, she agreed. 'I just grabbed a pair of scissors tried jabbing them into my neck, but they were closed,' Scott said. 'So I grabbed a nice kitchen knife and cut my wrists.' He said he believes every combat vet struggling with PTSD has a contingency plan. 'Every one of us has a suicide plan. We all know how to kill, and we all have a plan to kill ourselves.' (Craig F. Walker, The Denver Post - December 29, 2011)
Scott is comforted by a friend during an argument with his girlfriend over the phone. Sitting on the bed, he started crying. He said the anxiety he experienced that day was brought on by her moving all of her belongings out. Scott said she also took his anti-anxiety and sleep medication. 'I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight - I'm not going to get over this panic attack. (Craig F. Walker, The Denver Post - December 29, 2011)
After punching a hole in his bedroom door, Scott panics in his living room. 'My PTSD comes from long exposure to combat trauma,' Scott said. 'I think it comes from the fact that I survived. That wasn't my plan. It's an honor to die for my country, but I made it home.' Scott said that being diagnosed with PTSD 'means I have nightmares every night. It means I'm hyper-vigilant -- It means I have no fuse and if I get attacked, I'm going to kill. 'I don't want to feel this way.' (Craig Walker, The Denver Post - December 29, 2011)
A picture of Scott holding his little brother after graduating boot camp at Paris Island, S.C., in June 2003 hangs on the refrigerator at Scott's new apartment. 'I was happy after boot camp. I knew I was going to do something. My parents were proud of me.' He talked about why he signed up. 'I had just totaled my truck. I was like, 'Do I really want to take the bus to work every day for $10 an hour and live in a crappy apartment?' I was going to end up in jail or doing drugs. So instead of going to work one day, I just took the bus to the recruiting station.' Scott said he was not aware of the looming war in Iraq when he signed up. 'I was 18 years old. I didn't watch the news. ... I didn't care. I just wanted to do something.' (Craig F. Walker, Los Angeles Times - December 29, 2011)
Scott looks over his military service records and weeps after being told his apartment application had been turned down. The leasing manager said he couldn't allow Scott to move in because of an assault charge on his background check. Though Scott had his honorable discharge papers and his good-conduct medal, Scott said they meant nothing. 'I'm not a criminal. You would think this would be worth something. It should be. It's not, though.' (Craig F. Walker, The Denver Post - December 29, 2011)
Scott tries to leave his apartment as his girlfriend seizes his glasses. 'She steals my glasses because I can't see without them. She antagonizes me. She does it to push my buttons, but I'm not going to do anything. I'm not going to hit her,' he said. 'I dated this girl for almost two years, and it was the most tumultuous relationship I have ever had in my life. It was the closest thing that got me back to the levels of stress I had in combat.' (Craig F. Walker, The Denver Post - December 29, 2011)
After a sleepless night, Scott stares out the window of his new apartment, in Broomfield, Colo. 'I decided to move because there were too many bad memories at that apartment. I was arrested twice, there's blood all over the bathroom floor, it was small, it was loud,' Scott said. He hoped for a fresh start, but just two weeks later his old feelings had resurfaced. (Craig F. Walker, The Denver Post- December 29, 2011)
Scott lays on the floor with his dog, Jibby. He was exhausted and said, 'I'm tired of having bad f------ dreams. I can't take a nap because I'll feel worse. I fall asleep, but it doesn't make it better. Everybody says, 'With time, with time it will all go away.' So I'm waiting. He often credited his dog with saving his life. 'For me Jibby is very therapeutic. ... Sometimes I feel like a burden when I unload my emotions on friends, but Jibby's always there, regardless of what mood I'm in.' (Craig F. Walker, The Denver Post - December 29, 2011)
Scott laughs with Marine Sgt. Dean Sanchez of the Wounded Warrior Regiment while shopping for a suit in Denver, Colo. Scott was invited to attend 'Great Outdoors America Week' in Washington, D.C.. 'Sanchez was instrumental in saving my life,' Scott said. 'When he couldn't help me, he put me in touch with the people that could. ... Sanchez is there to make me proud to be a Marine. He doesn't let me forget where I came from. É There's a lot of people that care about me right now,' Scott said. 'I can't thank them enough.' (Craig F. Walker, The Denver Post - December 29, 2011)
Scott talks with his attorney, Christopher Griffin, at the Boulder County Justice Center. Scott had been charged with third-degree assault but ultimately pleaded guilty to harassment. A violation of a protection order was dismissed, and he pleaded guilty to driving while ability impaired. Griffin said he was concerned for young veterans. 'We send these kids off to war -- we make them see things people otherwise wouldn't have to see. Then we expect them to come back and behave like the rest of us. It's breaking my heart.' (Craig F. Walker, The Denver Post - December 29, 2011)
Scott looks through ties at Nordstrom Rack in Boulder, as he gets ready for his first day of work. 'It's just the Cheesecake Factory, but I hope I don't blow up on a customer. I'm worried about what people will think about me. ... I don't want them to point me out and say, 'This guy doesn't belong here.' ... I don't know if my anxiety is normal or not. It's a new job, so it's probably normal. I'm a hard worker. I have a good work ethic. I can multitask. I can lead. I just hope my personal life doesn't interfere.' He quit his job three months later because of just that. (Craig F. Walker, The Denver Post- December 29, 2011)
During their breakup Scott watches as his girlfriend struggles to carry his Tempur-Pedic mattress from his apartment. After a 15-minute struggle, she gave up and left in a rage. He said the relationship was exactly what he needed at the time. 'I needed someone to affirm the way I felt about myself. ... I felt like if I stayed with that person long enough and received enough punishment, then I have in some way sought redemption for my actions overseas in Iraq.' (Craig F. Walker, The Denver Post - December 29, 2011)
Scott drinks a beer outside the VFW Post in Longmont, Colo. Scott recalled his worst day in Iraq. 'We got this infantry platoon attached to us to beef up our numbers. ... There was this one guy, and I knew right away that we were going to be friends. ... The vehicle he was riding in the passenger seat hit a really big bomb that day - really big IED, and it trapped him inside the humvee, and I got to listen to and watch him scream as he burned. And I never learned his name. There was nothing I could do. ... I lost a friend that I never had.' (Craig F. Walker, The Denver Post - December 29, 2011)
Scott watches an evening storm roll in outside his apartment. 'I'm just feeling guilty about the things I did. I was a brutal killer, and I rejoiced in it. I was bred to be a killer, and I did it. Now I'm trying to adapt and feel human again. But to feel human, I feel guilty. I did horrible things to people... That's why I can't eat: I feel guilty, I feel sick.' (Craig F. Walker, The Denver Post- December 29, 2011)
Scott stands tensely in the kitchen, where his day starts with a panic attack. He said the day before was 'one long panic attack' and that this day was starting out similarly. Scott said his PTSD was becoming unmanageable. 'I don't know what I want. I need someone to tell me what to do,' he said. He explained his panic attacks as tingling hands and feet - that his arms and legs felt detached. 'I'm short of breath and my chest is tight, painfully tight.' (Craig F. Walker, The Denver Post - December 29, 2011)
Scott says he is deeply concerned about his health and his future. Down 45 pounds from his normal weight -- Scott says his appetite and stress are directly related. He said he was anxious to explore a residential PTSD program at the VA Medical Center. 'I have to, or I'm gonna end up on the street talking to myself,' he said. 'We're ending the war in Iraq, so 40,000 more troops are coming home. That means a lot of PTSD and a lot of homeless people. I figure I better get the tools I need to live a peaceful and gratifying life. ... I'm a good person.' (Craig F. Walker, The Denver Post - December 29, 2011)
Scott waits outside the pharmacy at the VA Medical Center in Denver, Colo.. After seeing Scott's mental state, a doctor gave him a prescription for an antipsychotic medication. 'I was terrified. I couldn't control my own thoughts,' he said. Two months later Scott was accepted into the PTSD Residential Rehabilitation Program at the Center. 'Eventually you get to a point where you just ... break down,' he said. 'The only other option is to put a hand out and ask for help.' (Craig F. Walker, The Denver Post - December 29, 2011)
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